The wall wasn’t a shock to me. I had seen it looming in the distance for some time, but had somehow convinced myself that I would never actually hit it. No way. And in those rare moments when reality had crept its way past my defenses and into my delusional state of mind, I shoved it quickly into the shadows because, when gagged and bound, truth had no hold on me here.
I was invincible, you see.
Or, at least, I was…until I wasn’t anymore.
And now that I wasn’t, I was just a mess…totally mangled by the same anger and disappointment that had built the cement wall that I had spent so much time actively ignoring.
Flooding over with tears that I could no longer hold back, I had to admit that I was hurting…broken…done. I didn’t think before I spoke, but the words burned as they left my mouth: “I am angry at You.”
The moment after I spoke hung heavy as I absorbed the depth of truth that I had just released from its prison. I was angry…and not just angry, oh no! I had somehow boiled over from angry to livid without even realizing it…and as I sat in my car, shocked by my own brutal honesty, I wondered if He was put off in the least by what I had just said.
I mean, I have been in church long enough to know that God knows everything we think and feel without our verbal confession, so the logical side of me knew that He wasn’t shocked by my words. But I have also been in church long enough to know that I have no right to be angry at God, as I have chosen to be sold out to Him…willing to be used by Him for His glory, knowing that He always has my good in mind.
So, if I am who I say I am, how can I be mad at Him for allowing this situation into my life…no matter how hurtful or hard it seems to be?!? I was totally confused as to what I should say next, so I just sat there, silently waiting…
His whisper was a verbal one, yes, but it also radiated in, thru and all around me, leaving me chilled against the warmth of His unexpected reply.
Suddenly, my confusion was replaced with a calming peace that picked me up off the ground from the base of denial’s wall. As I tried to wrap my mind around the depth of His simple reply, I was placed at His feet, where I let go of the rules of “what you can and can’t say to God”.
Everything I had been denying now poured up and out of me in a verbalish-gush I can only hope His Spirit could translate…and as I spoke, the weight I had been struggling under fell away, brick by brick, until it was all gone…and I was “ok” again for the first time in a long time.
This isn’t the first time He has met me like this…but this was the first time in a very long time that I was so blinded to what I was feeling.
This was the first time in over a decade that His voice was the very thing needed to melt denial into a river of honesty…a river that had frozen over without me even realizing what was happening.
I had not only let bitterness take root, but I had nurtured it to life within me…and in just two words, He pulled it up and out by the roots. …in just two words, He destroyed the power it held over my heart. …in just two words, I was free again.
His gentle whisper left me vulnerable to Truth, showing the scars that I had desperately been trying to cover over…
…and with just two words, I was healed.
Looking up, as always…