Being A Woman, depression, God's Love, Lessons Learned, Me, Pain

winter’s chill

When winter breaks onto the scene, the chill freezes bone-deep in an instant, shocking the system into a full retreat.

The sesnes, scared into self-protection mode, override all wisdom and begin to pull deeply inward, unsure of anything that isn’t already bundled deep within itself.

When winter hits, the memory of warmth is as fleeting as a fragile leaf caught on a bitter wind…and the heart forces a full lock-down in an effort to keep from suffering in the chill.

~*~

Depression is a constant companion on my path in life.

Not exactly the one I would have chosen to journey next to, believe me…but it is there none the less.

For better or worse, always within earshot of my circumstances, it stands ready to jump up to take over whenever the waves seem to start churning around me.  Totally aware of its desire to get me to flee at the slightest hint of emotional response, I usually fight back against it as it reaches for my hand while walking.

…oh but sometimes…

…sometimes I am just undone at the offer of a corner to sink into…

…sometimes I am totally seduced by the promise of a bed with covers to pull back over my head…

…and when I am knocked to my knees by the overwhelming demands on my heart and mind, I drop my defenses against the tidal wave of the desire to “just sit here for a little while“.

Of course I know that nothing is actually fixed by bending beneath the pressure but I think that is the unnerving quality of depression that makes it so hard to resist: in the moments when I surrender to it, I am hurting more than I care about what does or doesn’t get done.

Everything is overwhelming.

Everything is attacking.

Everthing just is…and, while I know it isn’t the best thing to do, I am being given a “chance” to NOT be for just a little while and I just can’t say no…for, you see, depression is my Winter.

…but the great thing about seasons is that each one has its time and, for me, winter is beginning to thaw.

The simply, sweet seduction of Spring’s warm desire for life whispers over the chill in the wind…and for the first time in a long time, I find myself unlocking the doors and windows so I can take it all in again.

“My beloved speaks and says to me:

‘Arise, my love, my beautiful one, and come away,

for behold, the winter is past; the rain is over and gone.

The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come…’ “

Song of Songs 2:10-12a

Looking up, as always…

Bina

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