I saw this posted on Facebook today and almost clicked ‘share’ until a little, well-known knot formed deep in my stomach.
A small, twisted sensitivity…a lie rooted deep within that is most usually rendered mute, but occassionally pops back up for one more scare, like the villian left for dead at the end of any good thriller.
A question that screams out in the silence of the room I keep locked deep within:
What happens when I have done my best to live my life that way…and people would still rather believe the lie?
So simple to pop up with the logical responses of “if they knew you they wouldn’t” or “just don’t listen to them“… but what happens when the ones whose silence and distance creating the deepest injuries are the ones I want to have a chance to get to know…when they are ones whose words do carry heavy weight in my heart and mind? What happens when they are family …or church members …or friends with years of my history in their back pocket as they turn and walk away based on information that isn’t entirely true?
I am not coming here today to give the answers to the questions…but rather am just taking the moment to give my breath a chance to release and my heart a chance to beat in the open because the reality is:
I don’t have all the answers.
I don’t always know how to best navigate myself thru the muddied waters.
I don’t know anything more than there are areas buried down deep within my own heart that were bruised long, long ago that still shiver in the pain of rejection… and lies… and abandonment from people that I love… people that should want to know my version of the “story” at hand, but never ask… people that I miss on levels I rarely let myself think about in order to avoid the depth of pain that swim around in the background.
I don’t know how He plans to use or heal these areas of pain…and while I would openly admit that I much rather that He would do something to take them away, I must also confess that somehow, I trust His plan for leaving them tender and shy. It doesn’t make a lot of sense…even as I type it all out…but the reality is that as complex as my own heart is, I can only sit at the feet of the One who is far more complicated and let Him comfort what I can’t fix… let Him catch the tears I don’t really want to cry …and let Him fill me with the Truth I don’t know how to accept in the face of all the questions I can’t answer.
Today, I take comfort in the words God provided for His people in the midst of promising that they will be taken captive… that they will lose all they now have and be forced to serve… that they will question and not get answers …that, even then, they will not be alone:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come to pray to Me, and I will hear you. You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.
Today, I take comfort in Him…and choose to allow Him to comfort what I cannot understand because I believe that my relationship with Him is more to me than the hurt that cries out.
Linking up with Jen and others at Soli Deo Gloria.
Looking up, as always…