Lent, Me

who I am {L15}

Day 15

...most comfortable...

I am sure I am not alone in the battle to not compromise in the midst of a comparison based world…but when I am left alone to my own mind, I find that I am always grabbing the bits and pieces of what I can see in others that seems so perfect against what I perceive as my own failures.

Maybe it is the way her hair holds a curl …or how her faith makes me instantly imagine her sitting with her Bible open …or her ability to smile like nothing bothers her, ever …or the fact that her kids look at her with such admiration even as she sits in yoga pants and a t-shirt…

The list can go on and on…and I am grown up enough to admit that there isn’t much that I don’t notice and use as a case against the woman that I am.  My insecurities run as deep as the Pacific Ocean…and my outlook can turn as cold as those waves in the mild temps that we call “winter”.

I am thankful for God’s willingness to sit as my therapist in session after session full of my incessant grumblings and amazing inability to see past what makes them seem so perfect to the reality that all I see is a finished product…a brief moment in the full-length movie that is their life.  I am thankful that He doesn’t spend a lot of time trying to convince me of what I don’t see in their lives…but rather, He spends the time reminding me of the woman He made me to be…and while I may not be perfection on two feet, I am me…the only me there is.

A few truths:

  • I prefer comfortable “mom” jeans and sneakers each and every day…not because they look that great, but because they fit in a way that I don’t have to think about, adjust or worry over.
  • I love dandelions even though I know they are weeds.  The fact that they represent a wish I can make…that might possibly come true one day…has captured my attention since I was just a wee Bina and probably always will.
  • I find joy in taking pictures of grass…and flowers…and leaves…and clouds.  I am “famous” for them with my FB friends and the joke of my family, but the smiles found in simple beauty can make any day better.
  • I tend to play the same song over and over when writing.  Once I find the tune that stimulates my mind to open up (genre and volume depend on the mood), I click repeat and don’t turn it off until after I have read the live post on my blog page or journal.
  • I really crack myself up sometimes…to the point that my family and friends will just sit and stare at me while I cry and slap my own knee.
  • My husband is my best friend and when he is gone (even at work during the day…even after almost 11 years of marriage), I feel like half of me is missing.
  • I love my five children with such a fierce passion that I don’t often let myself think that deeply about them because I hate  the feeling of helplessness as I realize they are growing up and I can’t protect them from the harshness of the world.
  • I most usually envision God as a lover who is constantly forced to woo me back into His arms as I drift away to hang out in places I shouldn’t be…which is why I have such a deep, deep love for Him.

I am me…flawed and real…and just as insecure as many of you.  And while it doesn’t always help to know that…it does help to realize I am not alone in my comparisons.

...but even the "plain jane" appreciates smexy jeans and snazzy boots from time to time...

Looking up, as always…

Bina

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