In an effort to be completely honest: today was awful.
From the moment my eyes popped open at 530am (that alone could have done it…durned High School morning swim practices!!!) my mind never seemed to stop churning out the most random of thoughts at a rapid pace. Pulling and tugging at my desired train of thought, these off-beat notions not only pulled me from the track I was on, they hit so hard it felt like I had been left in a five car pile up at the side of a deserted road!
I would try to battle back…refocus and pray it all away…but within moments, the world within would soon take over the one I was trying to create without and I finally just curled up on the couch…desperate to block out what I couldn’t ignore all while giving into the despair that comes when worship just won’t seem to work.
It wasn’t until almost 2pm…as I sat in my car, waiting for our youngest to get out of school with my CD blasting (…I thought maybe it would work like a high pressure hose on dirt…) that the lyrics of Audrey Assad’s “Restless” penetrated thru the chaos that my own prayers could not:
I am restless…restless…till I rest in You, let me rest in You.
Oh I am restless…I’m restless…till I rest in You, O God.
Opening my journal, I whispered along with the words she belted thru my speakers…and suddenly was overwhelmed by the brilliance of the sun shining thru my window. I know you are thinking: um, the sun? really??
Yes, the sun!!!
You see…I had made it all. day. long. without actually seeing anything. While just 24 hours ago, I couldn’t shut off any of my senses as I took in each and every detail in this sweet world around me – now I had made it all day without even looking up, much less realizing that the sun was out!!
Closing my eyes, I rested my head against my seat and smiled up into the blazing light…and after a few moments of basking in the glow, I realized that the clamor within me had quieted down substantially. Seizing the change in the tide, I grabbed my Bible and read Psalm 37:2 (am taking one verse a day as that Psalm has 40 verses):
For they (evildoers, vs 1) will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.
Funny how, sometimes, it only take a simple verse to help us to realize Truth: My now is temporary in comparison to His eternity…and while, yes, it is hard for me to push thru those incessant internal mumblings, the eternal view is that I am not alone in them. He is here…He knows my battle and my desire to just give up…and relying on Him alone is what can get me thru the war.
Flipping back a few passages in my Bible, I searched for words that spoke my heart until my eyes skimmed (…and then devoured…) the words that cemented Him back into my heart’s focus and my mind’s desire.
And tonight, as I sit here typing this out before I head to bed, the reality is that those thoughts still try to bubble over.
The battlefield still looms large before me and I am still not totally sure how I feel about it all. The only visible difference between this morning and now is that I now face the army coming at me with my hand fully entwined with His.
Goodnight, my friends.
Looking up, as always…