Me, Poetry, Prayer

a conversation with holiness

i am not sure why you wanted me to come tonight…at all.

the only thing that still exists in my memory is the scars of yesterday when i shut you out…when i turned my back on what we had to hold onto what i wanted instead.  i know you said you forgave me but the scabs of disconnection still ache from the pain of knowledge…of memory…of the deepest of regrets.

but still, i come…if only to say i was somewhere near you again.

the lights go down and the music plays…pounds…surrounds my mind, dulling for just a moment that which seeks to own my soul.  for just a moment…and yet, somehow, long enough because as i let my eyes drift, i suddenly discover yours driving into me…full of all that i forgot…all that i ran from.

dropping my gaze as realization stabs within…i ache everywhere.

i know you forgive…but why would you trust me?  why would you want me?  i hold my breath as i sense you step into my air, sucking from it all that feeds the lies that have fed me.  as they drop to the ground, void and empty, my knees give way…and it is then that you whisper…and my name is the sweetest word i have. ever. heard.

i can’t help but give into the desire of your touch…of your embrace.

everything i know tells me i don’t deserve this. everything within me knows that you are more than i could ever hope for.  and as you tilt my chin up, my eyes lift to drown in the pool of restoration found swimming steadily in yours. your whisper invades and owns me…and the world floods away in my salty tears.

i don’t know why i ran…what possessed me to think i could ever live without you.

to try to express the sacred mystery of conversation with holiness seems to fall flat against the reality that it happened. with you. to me. ignoring the facts, your arms restored me, somehow reminding me of what i cannot ever forget: there isn’t anywhere i can go to escape your love…to escape your rescue.

i cried for an hour…and hope i was changed for a lifetime.

The Inspiration:

…His willingness to speak audibly, once again, to my seeking heart
…Psalm 23:1&3a
               “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not wantHe restores my soul…”
…Selah’s “I Turn To You”

Looking up, as always…

Bina

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2 thoughts on “a conversation with holiness”

    1. True story…
      My biggest question to Him was not about His forgiveness, but for the restoration of what I used to have with Him… In service yesterday morning, the Pastor says that the evening service will be about how He restores our soul. I knew I had to be there…and as the worship team led the music, I was swept up by SUCH love and restoration, all I could do was cry thru the rest of the sermon. I haven’t heard His voice in so long…amazing how in one whisper, all you thought you forgot comes slamming back into you.
      Gotta say, tho, that that is one amazing Pastor, when he doesn’t even have to PREACH to have the Holy Spirit invade 😉

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