This isn’t an easy thing for me to admit in a public forum, but it is where I am right now and since I am sincerely seeking change in my life, being open and real will only help me move forward…so honesty, it is…durnitall.
Food is a stumbling block for me.
I go to it when I am happy,
when I am sad,
when I am overwhelmed,
when I want to relax,
when I am awake…
About a month ago, I reached out to God in a very real way (…unlike all the times I prayed about wanting to change while knowing in my heart that I was gonna get up and go grab a bag of Doritos before my tv show started…) and I really felt His presence with me on it. I heard His call to action and knew what I needed to do in order to get up and out of this pithole…but the problem is that in order to DO all that, I have to believe.
I have to believe in Him…and His promises to me.
I have to believe in myself…and who I am in Him.
I have to believe in the process…and accept change.
Fast forward to now, a month later, and I find that I am still struggling to really let myself be sold out to the belief that if I let go…He won’t let me fall. What irritates me isn’t that I haven’t sold out (cuz I know that I am a slow learner)…no, what gets to me is that what I AM sold out to is a lie…a distortion of truth that says “what He asks of you is harder than staying right where you are.”
Cuz knowing I have gained weight in the last month, instead of losing, makes me feel shame. The fact that I am wearing the biggest size jeans I own makes me feel disgust. The reality that I have been clinging to a lie shows me that I have, therefore, turned my back on Truth and that pains my heart.
Staying where I am is NOT easier…it is safe and it is known…but it also a cop-out and an excuse that allows me to not do anything that I don’t want to do…which is also sin.
I don’t write this for sympathy or for validation…but rather, I write it because it is real and it is my “now”…and I write it because while not everyone struggles with food, we all have something we just can’t seem to get out from under and I can only pray He uses it for His glory and someone else’s good.
I write it because I know that I have truly found hope in returning to His feet…in laying it all out for Him, once again unpacking my emotional backpack for Him to sort thru. It has been in the last 24 hours that I have seen Him move and comfort in a way that leaves me trembling and tearful…not out of shame, disgust or pain…but rather out of the humble realization that He loves me despite my disbelief and because I am His.
Today, I am dusted off and walking His path again…and I thank Him that He walks here with me, my best Friend and sweetest Guide.
“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek with all of your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and will bring you back from captivity.” Jer 29:13-14
What about you? Are you struggling to let go of something even though you know it is hurting you? How can you reach out to Him in order to find a glimpse of hope in your situation?