Me

>Sometimes…

>I know it is probably just a me thing, what I am about to talk about, and so I lay it out there as a chance to educate all y’all on what it is like to live on the “other side”…where people like me do things like, oh I don’t know…panic!!

                     I know, I know.  It’s just me…but humor me and go with it.

I firmly believe that there are no whooopsies with God…

       …that whatever situations pop up in my life, they are there with reason. 

                   With His purpose.

                                   With His consent.

I find that it can be so easy to say to someone “well, everything happens for a reason“…but then I’m realizing just how hard it is to believe it when everything in the present circumstances would beg to differ…when the floating debris all around would point to a more chaotic and sinister handler. 

The truth is that it can be almost torture to stand
  with my eyes closed…
     my heart uplifted…
        my hands out-stretched
…in humble acceptance and genuine trust in the Lord of all creation when I can’t even see Him thru the fog and the dark, swirling.  But the rest of the truth is that even as we hold onto the life-preserver of Truth,

things
    don’t
            always
               make
                    sense.

So, as I exist in this moment of my life…in this blip of the movie that is my existance…I find myself thinking about Truth…about the realities that make me, and my faith, real…and I find that some of those truths are hard to swallow…even for me.

Sometimes….

…the emotions that once drew me under the waves are the same ones that now push me upwards, to where the water ends and air begins.

…the words that I wish that I had had the strength to say to someone are the same ones that fill my dreams…plaguing me…leaving me awake, and shaking, under the silver light of the moon.

…the laughter of yesterday echoes bittersweet in the recesses of my mind,  back when life was “normal” and the waves were peaceful.

Sometimes

…I falter when I try to pray, my voice breaking under the weight of tears and fears, as I try to speak the Truth I know…even in the midst of the chaos I don’t.

…I find myself stopping as the sound of screaming reaches my ears.  The kind of pitched brokenness that begs to be heard, longs to be noticed and wishes to be comforted.  I stop to look around, trying to find the one who needs my help…and then I realize it is nothing more than the piercing wail of my own heart.

…I wish I had the strength to just let myself fall apart in front of the ones that I know would hold me as I broke, but I just am too afraid that they wouldn’t be able to put me back together again.

The truth is that even in knowing what the reality of the situation is…even in believing that the outcome isn’t mine to control, fix or justify…I don’t have all the answers and the pieces don’t always fit….and sometimes…

I

     just

              have

                        to

                              wait.

“…but those who wait upon the LORshall renew their strength…”
Isaiah 40:31

Looking up as always…

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9 thoughts on “>Sometimes…”

  1. >Aww, Bina. I'm not prone to panic, so I don't know exactly what you are going through. I believe God gives each grace and strength in that exact moment when we need it. And like you said-in His time. ((hugs and prayers))

  2. >Praying for you this week… praying you too can find your place to go and cry out, and to allow someone to hold YOU, and to help YOU. I understand the words wanting to be said- write them out. Someday, they will be ready to listen. Love you so much and sending bear hugs your way!

  3. >Wow, this is really powerful and genuine, Bina. I appreciate you putting it all out here, because there are so many others in a similar place as you. I've been there…I am there still. I vacillate — ebb and flow, I guess. I came over to tell you how much I love the book you sent me — I won it in a giveaway here a few months back. You might not remember me! But the book was "The Sacred Meal" — I read it twice through. I'm sure I'll read it again — it really made an imapact on me. So I just wanted to say thanks for making a difference in my life!

  4. >I'm glad you laid it out there. It's real for so many of us. And yet the waiting grows us up and deep, doesn't it? Against what seems right and fair…waiting. I know it well. So very well. Too well, actually. But what I know for sure is that the words of that verse are true. We renew our strength. He renews our strength. Praise God.

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