>There was a moment a couple weeks back when the voice of God rang out like a tornado in my mind, leaving my heart pounding, my face flushed and my palms sweaty. I fought like Moses for an hour, pleading with all the excuses I could reach, believe and push out from the closet of fear in my mind.
For me sobriety is a choice…a desire to see the world thru eyes unshaded…unpolluted…free from the distortion of the rabbit hole.
But it is a choice I face each morning…with each breath…in every attack that hurls itself upon my day, changing it in a second from day to night
To live it is real and present…to talk about it to other people is to cut open my heart and let them in.
He calls to me…even as I sit here, shaking…typing.
Whispering that there is freedom on the other end
…that to be vulnerable is to be unchained from the horror of a yesterday still locked away in a closet of past and pain.
“Let go” floats on the breeze as “Cling tight” flashes as lightening against a blackened sky.
So here I sit, the battle waging in my heart
…in my mind
…in my nerves as my body shakes and fears.
What if they hate me
What if I lose myself while digging thru the trunks of who I was?
The voices are loud…sounds I haven’t heard for so long, since I changed masters.
…they remind me of who I was and who I chose to be.
My old chains rattle in that box…pictures of me then, they are stacked over there.
It is all so real…so here…so much that I haven’t looked at in so long.
Can anybody understand what I am thinking?
Can anybody hear me behind the smiles and the laughter as I work to block out the crashing reality that I think I am losing my mind to the girl of my past
…of my present
…of who I am but am not anymore?
Does anyone else see me?
Can I keep ahold of all I know in the effort to help someone else thru where I’ve been…in the hope that someone, anyone, will be able to grasp love over judgement
…purpose over obsession
…reality over the lies?
I wake up and realize I am not her anymore.
The monsters in the closet have been exposed
I wake up and remember that the past isn’t the present
…and to look back is only to remember, not to re-embrace.
I wake up to know that I am walking in the right direction because to take it out of the closet is to let it go
…throw it out
…remove its power
And I wake up to know that I am His…
…and I smile, soft and sweet…
I wake up and know that I am free
…and still sober.
which I have added to a playlist at the bottom of the blog**
Worry not about me, friends of mine. I am not losing it…much…yet 🙂
As I look forward to the time of Lent…a time of fasting, refocusing and recommitting to the One who loves and knows me well, I lay out my heart…my reality…my freeway of thoughts in order to cleanse my heart and mind.
Is it really me up there, in all that chaos? Yes…but it is also me who is calm and ready for the journey of being real.
In a month or so, I will be hosting a talk… “The Mind of an Addict” …at our church. Addiction is something not discussed in church…it is shhh’d away even as it weaves its way into the lives and souls of so many within the walls of the sanctuary.
My hope is to help people understand their addict (or themselves) in order that they can find hope for themselves AND for the purpose of still loving the ones who are hurting, both themselves and those around them.
That they would realize that while the storm rages, God is still in control.
That they could learn how to love and help the ones that have lost their way and their sight.
…but to go here is to reopen old wounds…so the truth is that I am both the chaos and the control, but aren’t we all?
**Photo found via Swagbucks search: Weeds Are Flowers Too**