It is my normal practice to check the Entertainment News each day. Why? Because I am one of the millions of Americans who are guilty for making tabloids wealthy…for feeding the paparazzi frenzy…for being interested in knowing who is doing what, where and how. Embarassing to admit to…and altho I have given up the purchasing of said tabloids, I do still tune into the daily lists of postings made available on the internet.
Today, as I looked thru the headlines, most of which I completely ignore as I have no idea who they are talking about…I came to his picture and I could only stop to look into his eyes as they stared up from my glowing screen.
I never followed his career. Before his death made headlines, I had never heard his name…could not have told you what he looked like…never knew who he dated. Sounds odd to say for someone who just admitted to looking at the Entertainment section daily, right? Yeah…amazing what you can tune out when just searching for names you know…
I clicked on his story and again got lost in his picture for a moment. Did he sense the monkey on his back when it was taken? Is that a depth in his eyes that betrays the battle of his mind or did he always look that haunted in the dark orbs that look back at me? I guess we can see so much when we look back at a life.
I moved my eyes to the words of the article and only got two paragraphs in when I had to stop and re-read a couple of times, each bringing up a panic in my heart and a sorrow in my soul.
“The toxicology report showed the 36-year-old had in his system cocaine, OxyContin, Hydrocodone or Vicodin, antianxiety drugs Xanax and Ativan, Klonopin which also controls anger, Benadryl, and Levamisole, a drug apparently used to cut cocaine.The cause of death was acute intoxication due to the combined effects the drugs, the medical examiner’s office said.”
Accidental overdose. Had he known that this cocktail would lower his breathing as his heart slowed dangerously…would he still have swallowed them all? What demons jumped back into play to cause him to turn back after coming so far down the road of recovery? Did he not have anyone he could call or did he just long for the high so much that he didn’t want to be talked down? Did he feel alone when he went home with his bag full of release or was he excited to know that he got everything? As he laid there, before his mind gave over the fog, did he have a moment when he regretted not picking up the phone and calling someone…anyone?
This may all sound morbid to you. I don’t mean to be. You see…I didn’t know DJ AM…before these headlines, I couldn’t have picked him from a line up even if a $1,000 Target giftcard were the prize. He is a stranger to me…but my heart knows him. My heart beats faster as I look thru his final meal because I know that could have been me at one point. There was a day when my demons were so loud that I swallowed anything within reach to get them to be silent…while I never went as far as he did, there were many
times when I could have accidentally slipped into a haze that pulled me down to the grave rather than up from my bed. I never wanted to die, just to be numb…free from the feelings that are mine to feel even when I was too immature to let myself take them on. Was he looking for a chance to shut the feelings off…or was he searching for a more permanent release from the heaviness?
My heart breaks for this man…for the weight that must have crushed his heart as he felt this was all he had left in the world to turn to. Once you have stepped into the ring called “Addiction”, you find that you relate to people in odd ways…and my heart knows this man even while my eyes don’t.
But as I embrace my heartache for him…I also praise the Lord for His hand up and out of the hole that was mine for so long…I thank Him for His strength to tackle the demons that I was too weak to ignore…I love Him for nothing more than His willingness to love me before I even knew His name.
Listening to Big Daddy Weave‘s The Day That You Found Me while looking up as always…